Cup of Joe

A reader from Indiana recently wrote,

“ Dear Joe,
I know I could be a better Mother and a better friend if I could improve the way I communicate.  My problem is I don’t want to change into somebody I’m not.  How can I stay sincere to myself and change at the same time. Susan V.”          

     This is a very good question and one that most people aren’t willing to acknowledge.  It is one of the biggest challenges that keeps most individuals and organizations from making true transformation. While they may sincerely desire to make fundamental changes, they have a greater psychological desire not to change anything by which they define themselves.       

     How does one sincerely change and yet stay sincere?  Even in the case of Susan V. from Indiana, where she re-cognizes that changes could make her a “better Susan,” she fears losing the Susan she currently is.  To her, the current Susan is the real Susan and any new and improved version couldn’t possibly be as real. 

     Many of us identify ourselves by how we feel.  We project how we feel by how we act.  And how we act greatly determines our life’s experiences.   When I say we identify ourselves by how we feel what I really mean is we identify ourselves by how we think and feel about ourselves. Herein lies the challenge. These thoughts and feelings determine our actions – even the actions we want to change.  Yet, we can’t make any lasting and drastic changes to how we act without changing the way we feel about ourselves.  This has all the makings of a real identity crisis.  Individuals and organizations who sincerely want, or even need, to have major changes in their outcomes, first need to learn how to re-examine the way they see themselves.  Without this there can be no true transformation.  

     From time to time, I have held semi-private weekend retreats in my home for individuals who want to learn more about this specific subject.  Over the course of a weekend, ten people from around the country join my wife and I for two solid days of examining how our versions of ourselves are directly reflected in our outcomes in our lives.  About a month after oneo f our retreats, a lady named Sandy, who had been having trouble managing her staff at work, called to tell me how much better things had become.  She said that the communication had greatly improved and that she doesn’t have half the challenges she had before the retreat. 

 “I’m glad to hear that,” I replied.

“Thanks,” she said.  “But now I have a question.  Is it real?”

“Is what real?” I asked.

“What I mean is, which is the real me…Who I was before, or who I am now?”

“Well, before you were the real you growing in a negative way, and now you are the real you growing in a positive way,” I answered. 

 “I like the new me better,” she said.  “Thanks for introducing me to her.”

“It was my pleasure, Sandy.” 

     If you sincerely want to have drastically different outcomes, don’t start by looking at the problems or looking for solutions.  Start by looking in the mirror. 

By:  Joe Caruso, Caruso Leadership Institute – www.carusoleadership.com

May not be reproduced without permission of author.

Recent columns on transformational thinking and congruency training have generated e-mail from around the country. Thank you for all of your correspondence. I always appreciate it. In this week’s blog article, I’ll do my best to answer your most common questions on these subjects.

What distinguishes transformational thinking? Transformational thinking is different from the way an individual or organization normally thinks in that it doesn’t use past myths, old driving-truths and past self-definitions. As our thoughts are driven by these three things, we are not likely to think differently enough or change our approach enough to create a vastly different outcome until we’re able to change the very templates on which our thoughts are formed.

What distinguishes congruency training? Congruency training is different from what I call “list training” in that it helps individuals and organizations learn how to identify and change myths and driving truths that are driving the behavior and outcomes that need to be changed. List training merely provides people with a list of things they should and shouldn’t do, explains why they should and shouldn’t do them, expects that they’ll change their behavior accordingly.

If list training doesn’t work, why is it the basis of most training in this country? Good question. First, it’s not that it doesn’t ever work. Sometimes it does, with some people. However, for the most part, it’s nearly impossible to help people dramatically change their behavior in any lasting way just by telling them what they should and shouldn’t do. It may be great for job-specific training, but it’s much less effective in behavioral-related subjects like customer service, leadership training, communication and team building. Most people have very little understanding as to why they behave the way they do, and even less understanding about how to change it. I’ve found that most people who talk about “paradigm shifts” have never even had one themselves.

How does congruency training work? Well, it’s based on the mechanics of our human psychology in that it’s nearly impossible for us to behave for any length of time, or with any consistency, in a way that is contrary or incongruent with our driving myths. Then, they’re shown how to let go of these negative “myths” or self-identifying stories and how to uncover more edifying self-truths. These new truths will serve to free them from the boundaries of their old thinking and allow them to think transformationally.

Have you yet found a culture, type of business or even country where congruency training doesn’t work? No

Could you explain transformational thinking to someone like me who isn’t in the business world? Your outcomes in your life are largely the result of the way you see yourself in the context of your world. This determines what you think you should do, what you will do and how you’ll approach it. It’s nearly impossible for you to experience a transformation of your outcomes until you first transform the way you see yourself in the context of your world.

By: Joe Caruso, Caruso Leadership Institute – www.carusoleadership.com